Breaking News: God Overrules Supreme Court Verdict! Bush to be smitten
later today
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God"
clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that
handed the White House to George W. Bush."I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this
morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back
and let Bush get away with this bull."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks
now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO
know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly
20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits,
God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida
to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory.
The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word
for possible grounds for appeal. "God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued
Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S.
Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the
state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God
responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you
know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for
every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no
grounds to give the White House to "a bleepin' idiot."
"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach
County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me?
I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
Our Lord then went on to note that he was
displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially
smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has
taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold
his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a
salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive
leprosy.