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A Day in the Life

This is true. I had a day that consisted of all of the following occurring:

1. I went to bathroom and peed on myself. I was peeing and the TP dispenser holding two large tree like rolls of TP opened up. I let go of my "Free Willy" to grab the TP so they would not fall and then peed on my pants as a result.

2. I used a water fountain in a building I was never in before. I could not find the button to turn on the water. So I leaned over and it was motion activated, it squirted in my eye and then dribbled off my chin to where my zipper was. Great. Another thing to explain.

3. Picked up my Viagra. They goofed up and gave me 10 pills instead of 5. I do not use them, but I hoard them so to speak. So I was thrilled and said nothing. I lost them on the way home somewhere. Oh well.

4. I went to a friends house where I used their bathroom. They had one of those toilet seat covers that don't stay up so I had to pee while holding it up with one hand. Well I accidently let the lid go and it slammed shut as I was peeing. I peed all over their cover as well as on the back of their toilet and some on their floor.

5. So I get home and there is a notice in the mailbox from this company Ann Summers. This is where I bought my girl friend's vibrator. It said to return it as it was defective and are recalling thousands due to potential combustion while using.

6. My dog goes out and poops on the neighbors lawn. I decide to pick up the poop. I look and look all around and cannot find it....until I lift my shoe and had already stepped on it and was carrying it around with me. Some talents in childhood never disappear.

7. Next the dog goes off somewhere and steps in red clay. I do not catch her and she decorates my linoleum with dog prints. I tell her to stand still. She thinks it is a game and runs around house.

8. I buy a steak. First time in my life I am really going to cook something other than TV dinners. Sadie (my dog) usually looks thru the grocery bags for receipts and then runs away and tears them up. Nothing else in there for her most times. However this time she found the steak. When I found her she was licking her chops and had eaten the entire steak and cellophane around it.

9. And finally after I clean everything up, I go to lay and relax on my cheap Kmart Hammock. The stand I later found out was too short for the Hammock. I had a heck of a time getting it tight enough. So I hop on it to relax, I hear a creak and think nothing of it. Then I hear a crack and the wood portion of the rope Hammock snaps and I go directly to the wet ground beneath. Just spent $320 on a new hammock of proper stand size and hammock length.

I then went inside, did not eat dinner, but went to sleep.

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