Women

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
 
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 
 
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
 
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
 
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter.  (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
 
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes. 
 
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 
 
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
 
Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
 
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
 
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
 
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
 
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
 
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
 
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
 
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
 
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
 
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
 
It's okay for women to dance with each other, but you don't see men dancing together.
 
Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
 
The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!'

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