1. Never give me work
in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a
deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even
better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for
me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms
is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with
useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything.
In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd
deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life
and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having
to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been.
Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the
money anyway.
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