I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber
last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting
the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my
errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
prerecorded faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but
will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which requires your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:
1. - To make an appointment to see me.
2. - To query a missing payment.
3. - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. - To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be
communicated at a later date to the authorized contact.
8. - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. - To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending
the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly
less prosperous day?
Your Humble Client