Ahhh, it's good to be a liberal!
AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT PASSES CONGRESS
May 23, 2005 WASHINGTON, DC (AP) Congress approved sweeping legislation which provides new
benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law
by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by
advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess
the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society," said Kerry, a longtime AWNA supporter. "This is why many of them voted
for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed
over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a
small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what
they are doing", said Kerry.
President Kerry pointed to the success of
the US Postal Service which has a long standing policy of providing opportunity without
regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills,
making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records
of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry
(68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%).
President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Nonabled people
for top government positions, including many cabinet level jobs.
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act,
more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important
sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of
purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward
mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial
tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in
top positions and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one
clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate
against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have
any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate
to this job?" and "Are you awake?" "As a Nonabled person, I can't be
expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou
Gertz, who lost her position as a lug nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her
lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and
millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American
citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this