This morning, from a cave somewhere in
Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if
military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply
of convenience store managers.
At New York's Kennedy International
Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested
trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a
slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney John Ashcroft said
that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute
values. They use code names like "X" and "Y' and refer to themselves as
"unknowns", But we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the
axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to
have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and