The division of the human family into its two
distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood.
Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was
both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of
humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to
stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking
beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off
conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing,
fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of
the liberals actually became women.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and
Democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided.
Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women
back then, and the conservatives fed them.
Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals
are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign
water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and
French food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men.
Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city
governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are
Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't
"fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers,
medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally
anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire
other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide
what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened
than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives
were coming to America.
Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice
charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue,
they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in
a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of
conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible and Constitution.
They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them
without regard to others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to
charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor
as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from
Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them
to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces
to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.
Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives, and then
attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were
all liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self
indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG
government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.
Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common
criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals. When serving
in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our
country. Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed
statute passed by some liberal. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed
statutes, and don't explain their reasons.
Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege of
making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on juries, liberals convict
producers and acquit liberals and other common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals
as they do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money.
They consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or
Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for
them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years
ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch.
He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps
tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That
sumbitch ain't been born yet".
So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?