Just in off the AP wire...
AUSTIN, TX - Dec.15 - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal
court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it
twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon,
asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good
boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal
District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to
cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the
original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary
"There are no standards
for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How
many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and
over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker. Baker further claimed
that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named Brad from the
"nice" list, filing them under "naughty" instead because
"everyone knows all boys named Brad are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential
for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "fuzzy math up there
at the North Pole." "Their security is really awful, really bad," said
Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check
her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov.
Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on
you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have
had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has
already selected a name for the pony that she's asked for.
Santa Claus could not be
reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by news of
the pending legal action against him. "He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho
Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly."