LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken
into.
She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo!, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the
officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by
mistake."
______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws
a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I
getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up
the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?
"The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on
wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the
door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she
would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all
kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a
few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time
...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three
minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was
red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting
nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she
turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
