If I could, I'd enlist today and help my
country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York
City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 60 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track
down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole
thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old
guys.
You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about
sex when the occasion arises and thats usually at night; and that leaves us 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous
soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back
hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" "Where
are my pills?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at
least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed
126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a
backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning
to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we
put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled
at because most of us have wives and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a
deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a
single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give
me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually
carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and
his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches
food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture
an eardrum.
All great reasons to keep our
sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September
11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts
with attitudes.
