The following excerpts are actual
answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by
children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected
over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for
grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Enjoy --
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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who
all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he
ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
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Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was
a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds
like he was sort of busy too.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.
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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of
wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.
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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they
show on tv now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."
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Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw
for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still
have problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was
a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for
a long while.
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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention
was the circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided
against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure.
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
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On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
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Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which
he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach
was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
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Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that
he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took
long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up.
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Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of
a hundred men.
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Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
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Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species.
It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if
it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24
hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
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Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what
she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they
didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
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Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.
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