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It's good to know that some pilots
have a sense of humor. Here are some conversations that airline
passengers normally don't hear. The following are actual exchanges
between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
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While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at
the US Air crew, screaming:Â "US Air 2771,
where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get
it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she
was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything
up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and
don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that,
US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew
responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in
every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke
the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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A DC-10 had an
exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a
little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."
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Unknown aircraft:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing
stupid!"
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Tower: "Eastern
702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7" Eastern
702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared
for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and have already
notified our caterers...."
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The German air
controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location,
but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active
runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The
BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.Â
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and
I didn't stop."
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O'Hare Approach Control:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three
miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've
got the little Fokker in sight."
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A PanAm 727 flight
engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich Overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you
lost the bloody war!"
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