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Tower: "Delta 351,
you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"
*****************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it
hits a 727?"
*****************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing
stupid!"
*****************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got
the little Fokker in sight."
*****************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What
was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number
one for takeoff."
*****************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at
the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take
the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
return to the airport."
*****************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich,
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English ?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
*****************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern
702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report
from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635,
cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've
already notified our caterers."
*****************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by
yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another
landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
*****************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened
to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active
runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have
you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,
-- And I didn't land."
*****************************************************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose
to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed
out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell
are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for
you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll
take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move
till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air
2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" |
