All too rarely, airline attendants make
an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time
choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people
we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in
it!"
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your
flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane"
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants.. Please do not leave children or
spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm
here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the
asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat
belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane
to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if
you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the
wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a
smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY
GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the
flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach
yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
The above were sent to me, but the following is what I heard as I
took my seat on a PSA flight from LA to San Francisco for the Wescon
Show, back when their stewardesses wore hotpants and the plane was
full of businessmen rather than tourists. The delivery was real
droll and laid back.
First voice: Bill
Second voice: Yeah Joe
First: Do you know where we're going?
Second: I think we're supposed to go to San Francisco
First: That's North, isn't it?
Second: Think so
First: Ever been there?
Second: Once
First: Would you mind pointing it out when we get there? | |
