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Store Memo On Banning Family
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your
husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all
verified by our surveillance cameras.
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his
spouse/partner is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he
knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK
ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal
position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled,
very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
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