December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to
snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours
by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of
the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole
World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years
and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor
tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would
be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our
neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by
shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff
so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires
for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove
in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting
down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was
off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at
the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in
my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the darned stuff last
night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darned snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're
out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got
undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a
plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the
asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me
to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll
drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me
to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws
snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols
with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I
have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful
Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the
bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Â
Why am I tied to the bed?
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