You have two choices in life: you can stay
single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you
want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the
wrong man."
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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married
you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just
like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got
married; by then it was too late."
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A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied,
"A billionaire."
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph
of hope over experience.
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in
your sleep.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no
faults at all.
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You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on
Wednesday nights, and so does she.
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During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook
and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot
back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur
and the gardener."
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Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and
father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least
bit of attention.
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According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their
wives aren't fantasizing.
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Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
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My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
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How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and
a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful!
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