To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy
by sending me your chain letters over the last year. Because of your concern:
* I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
* I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are
atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
* I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and
urine.
* I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
* I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with AIDS
* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS.
* I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot
day.
* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and
try to rob me.
* I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in
disguise.
* I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.
* I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for
which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.
* I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
* I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no
eyes or feathers.
* I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me
taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I no longer have a cell phone because I don't want brain cancer.
* I no longer have any sneakers because I would hate to see all those poor kids in the
sweat shops overseas suffering because I wanted a pair of Nike shoes.
* I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
* I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the
hospital for the 1,000,000,000th time.
* I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $18,624 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special e-mail program.
I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now if you DON'T send this to at least 12,000,000 of
your closest friends in the next 60 seconds a large bird will crap on your head at exactly
5:00 pm tomorrow!!!!!!!!!
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