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Things I Have Learned

1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
2. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
18. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
19. Your friends love you, anyway.

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