"Sometimes when I reflect back
on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and
think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and
dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in
the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall
asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no
sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a retard.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can
only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is
hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the
same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.